Friday, November 4, 2011

the bittersweet between my teeth

can't help myself but count the flaws
claw my way out through these walls
one temporary escape
feel it start to permeate
we lie beneath the stars at night
out hands gripping each other tight
you keep my secrets hope to die
promises, swear them to the sky
the bittersweet between my teeth
trying to find the in between
Young Blood- Naked and Famous

I feel really good. Back to being myself again. If I have learned anything over the past few months, it is that I need an outlet where I can be my true self. Pretending to be something I am not, always having my guard up, is exhausting. When I try and do it for too long without release will make me explode. Hard lesson learned. I am not quite ready to talk about the past few months, but I know I should get it out. Soon.

Eating is going well. :) Still can't avoid dinners. Story of my life. But I will eat dinner if it means having Bear.

I need to get off my ass and work out. So tired from working and being busy. I need to stop complaining and just do it. I am going to join a gym this weekend because I can't use the treadmill here anymore. My dad broke it... on purpose... long story for another day.

Stay skinny lovelies,

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Group of Girls Thinspo

I had no idea what to call this thinspo, so "Group of Girls" will have to do! haha! I love looking at the pictures of all the skinny girls together. I wish I was one of those little girls. No more words right now, just beautiful pictures. Enjoy :)

Stay Strong and Skinny,

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

sometimes i just know things

Sometimes I just know things. The morning of September 11th, I woke up with this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something terrible was in the air. The day my pop-pop died, when I got home from school I stood on my front step afraid to go inside. I just knew bad news was waiting for me. Almost immediately after meeting someone, I get a feeling about them. Whether it is a self-fulfilling prophecy or not, my feelings are usually right. I am not saying that I am psychic or that my weirdo feelings are always right, they are just something that have been a part of me for my whole life. I think that is why I am close with my Mom-mom. She just knows things. About a month ago, I was sitting by myself just staring out the window. I was thinking about my older sister and our fucked up relationship. We didn't get into a fight or anything recently, she was just on my mind for one reason or another. My mom-mom came up to me, put her hand on my back, and said "I worry about her too. Don't worry, she'll come around." As she gets older, my mom-mom mentions her "feelings" less and less. I am close with her for a lot of reasons, but the fact that I feel like I inherited this important piece of her ties us together that much closer.

My mom-mom is a crazy old Italian lady. She is 88 but looks 70, lives on her own in the city, walks 5 miles a day and is one of the most independent people I know. She crochets and bakes for everyone she meets. She writes letters daily. She cleans for fun. When she is over at our house and is bored, she takes clean clothes out of my closet and re-irons them. In short: she is the best person I know. For years, we have been all begging her to get a hearing aid. She has needed one for a long time but has only recently given in because it has gotten really bad. She also is having a few other medical problems with her ears that have required a lot of doctors appointments. Because I am now living at home and have more free time than my mom, I have been taking her to most of her doctors appointments. She gets so annoyed that we insist on driving her to every appointment because she says she can do it herself but I think she secretly enjoys it. She knew I was coming to take her to an appointment this afternoon so she spent all day yesterday cooking so she would have food ready for dinner for us after the doctors. She had the dining room table set and had all these cute decorations out. haha! I don't really go over to her house for meals that often so she goes totally overboard when I do. I felt so bad that I ate everything she gave me without complaint, even though I felt so sick and uncomfortable after. I often say that the only person I care about worrying about me is Bear, but that isn't true. I hate the my Mom-mom worries about me and I could tell that eating her home cooked food made her really happy so I feel ok about it.

Yesterday wasn't as bad as today eating wise. I hate that I was so good for the first 3/4's of the Skinny Girl Diet and I am just blowing the last week of it really. I am definitely going to start it back up again after I finish. I really enjoyed the structure and hopefully I will be more successful next time around!

SGD Day 23 Intake, 2/22/11:
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
grapes- free!
orange- free!
almond granola bar- 160 cal
poptart 100 cal pack- 100 cal
piece of soft pretzel- 50 cal
pizza- 200 cal
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
Total: 530
Exercise: run/walk- 300 cal
Goal for today: 300 - 70 under goal
Intake: 230

SGD Day 24 Intake, 2/23/11:
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
grapes- free!
cinnamon thin bagel- 100 cal
orange- free!
chicken cutlet- 300 cal?
corn- free!
manacotti- 300 cal?
cake- 200 cal?
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
Total: 920
Exercise: run/walk- 400 cal
Goal for today: 450 - 70 over goal
Intake: 520

I have been feeling so high strung lately. I can't get my brain to slow down. I need a life outside my calorie counting, job and lying to people that love me. Ugh, I have to stop before I get depressed!

Oh be calm.
Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive
and everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.
Be Calm, Fun.

Stay Strong and Skinny,