Do you ever feel like you have zero control over your own life? Like the harder you try to hold on to some semblance of control, the more difficult it is to get a grip on? I feel like my life is literally running away from me and I have no hope of catching it. Ever since I have been in "recovery," I feel like I am the last person to be consulted about decisions affecting ME. I am pretty good at putting on a happy face; I have had plenty of practice. It is just that lately, I can feel the facade cracking. I have been drawing unwanted attention to myself because of my bad mood. I am tired of being questioned about my every thought and action. I am not a child. I need a CHANGE.
Ana has been calling me. She is saying that she missed me. She is saying that if I come back, she will make everything better. A small part of me has been resisting. That part that knows how deceptive I will have to be if I welcome Ana back. That part knows logically what is best for me physically. That part knows how many people could be hurt if I disregard everything I have been taught and brainwashed about for the past few months... But that part fighting Ana has been shrinking every day...
Today I ate so much. So much that when I sat down to calculate the calories for the first time in a while, I almost made myself throw up (which I almost never do). The act alone of counting my calories for today completely obliterated whatever in me that was fighting Ana. I bought a scale on my way home from work and hid it in my room. I am too ashamed to include what my starting weight is, but I can say, it is the most I have weighed in my whole life. I feel like there are layers and layers of fat pressing down on me, suffocating me. I am literally drowning in fat and skin. I miss the clean feeling of bone with tight skin stretching across it. I hate everyone that told me that the way I was living was wrong. I hate everyone that made me become this way. Because I am starting so big, returning to Ana and losing some weight should start off easy at least.
Accepting Ana back into my life feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I always knew she would be there. She never truly goes away.
Tomorrow is my first day of restricting in months! I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning!
love love love,