Weekends are Hard

"It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great."

-A League of Their Own

This weekend was great/I ate way too much this weekend. Friday was a lot of fun. I went up to see A early in the afternoon. We went to the stationary store and picked her wedding invitations and went to a florist for a consultation and basically picked the flowers! It was so awesome. I am such a fan of weddings. I love everything about them. Being there to help A plan hers is so much better than just stalking the wedding blogs of strangers. She has a totally different taste than me. I prefer more classic and traditional while she is more modern. I would have never chosen her invitation or flowers, but they are pretty. She is happier than I have ever seen her in the past 6 years. It is really sweet. After the appointments we took a bus into NYC. It was quite an experience. I have never taken a bus before! I mean, I have been on a bus, but I never stood on the side of a major road waiting for a bus. We ended up having to climb through big piles of snow to get on the bus. We couldn't stop laughing for like the first half hour we were on the bus. :) We hit a ton of traffic and I had a mild panic attack being stuck in the Lincoln Tunnel for a long time. We met Becks at the restaurant which was right in Madison Square Garden. Troy emailed us earlier in the day saying that she was going to have a really rough day at work and that she wasn't sure if she was going to get out of work in time for dinner, but that she would definitely make it for drinks and desert. We were running late so we didn't even sit down until 8:30 and didn't get our dinner until 9:30. We thought for sure she would be able to make it before we left the restaurant. She texted A at like 10:45 saying she was just getting out of work and was too tired and was just going to head home! I was so annoyed. A and I took a 15 dollar, hour and a half bus ride into the city. Becks works on Long Island and took the train in. Troy works in the city and couldn't spare an hour to grab a drink. It was her idea to meet up! We never get to see each other and she just blows us off. I am still pissed off about it today.

Dinner was pretty fun. Besides the fact that I had to eat so much food, I had a great time. Becks is so funny. I felt really bad for her though because she is dying to get engaged and it is just not happening. She has been with her bf since high school and they haven been living together since right after we graduated in 2008. He told Troy that he was going to propose in June 2010 and it still hasn't happened! She is really upset about it. To make it worse, her bf has really been wanting a snow mobile. She told him that when they got engaged, she would buy him one as an engagement present (she is loaded). This past month, he bought himself a $9000 snow mobile and has been going away every other weekend to use it!! She asked him for a 2kt diamond for her engagement ring, so we weren't sure if it was money that was holding him back, but him buying that snow mobile pretty much sealed the deal that it isn't. I have no idea what I would do if I was her. She told him that if she isn't engaged by the summer that she is leaving him... I don't know if she would actually do it, but she seemed serious.

After dinner we met up with my older sister who lives in the city. We just grabbed coffee and chatted for a bit. I was shocked how nice and sociable she was to my friends. I never know with her if she is going to be nice or a bitch, so it was a pleasant surprise.

We caught up about other people from college and shared news from the senior week girls. 3 of them we never talk to, 1 is in medical school, 1 lives in Arlington, 1 in Ohio, 1 had turned into a kinda crazy slut and then there is the 4 of us. The girl from Ohio, Cubb, was one of my closest friends besides A and B, who were my roommates. She is an awesome girl but we never see her because she lives so far away. She got back together with her high school boyfriend after college and has been really happy with him since. We talked about how they would probably be getting engaged soon. Sunday morning I get a text that she got engaged Saturday night!! It was so funny that we literally had just been talking about her the day before. I am so happy for her. She is so excited and I got to talk to her last night about her ring and how he proposed. She is definitely coming to A's wedding this summer so I will get to see her soon. :)

Cubb's Ring!

Saturday I forced down pancakes A's mother made for us. I drove home and just hung around with Bear the rest of the day. Sunday was Huge Italian Sunday Dinner. Then I went to Sugar House Casino in Philadelphia and out to dinner in Chinatown with Bear and his parents. I had a great time, but I ate more this weekend then I have in a really long time. I am making the conscious decision to let this weekend go and not be self destructive and beat myself up about it. I am going to start a diet today instead. I have been deliberating today about which diet to start, but my weekends screw me every time. I am thinking the Skinny Girl Diet is definitely the way to go because it takes weekends into consideration. My plan is to try and eat less than each day's calorie goal! Here we go!

Tonight we are supposed to get more bad weather/snow... Is it summer yet??

Stay Strong and Skinny,

Nicole

xoxo

Kate Bosworth Thinspo

"I think probably trying to please too many people. Sometimes I get so caught up in making other people happy that I just sort of forget about making myself happy and you obviously need to make yourself happy."

-Kate Bosworth

So I watched Blue Crush Saturday night and it reminded me of how much I love Kate Bosworth. She is such an inspiration and is so strong for putting up with all of the criticism about her weight. Here is some awesome Kate Bosworth inspiration that I am using to stay strong today:

Stay Strong and Skinny,

Nicole

xoxo

Cabin Fever

For as good as I have been lately, I am feeling a little crazy today. It is the second snow day in a row and I am stuck in the house. I had a grilled cheese for lunch and a pumpkin muffin. More calories just for lunch than I have had any day so far this week. All I want to do is binge. Luckily there isn't much food in the house that I want. I have to work 4-8 tonight. It is good that I am getting out of the house, but all I want to do is go through the Wendy's drive through that is on the way. I want it, and yet I feel disgusting even thinking about it. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am trying to just think that I am going to see my girls tomorrow and to keep it together. I miss Bear. My mom is driving me nuts. I feel like she has been within 5 feet of me all day long.

I just want to get out of here...

draw it in color

I'll find my way again I guess

I never thought that I could make such a mess

I got this feeling that it's gonna be alright

And I'll begin again tonight

Draw me a picture

'Cause I wanna see my life

Through someone else's eyes

-Draw my Life, Fauxliage

It is snowing like crazy outside. We are supposed to get 4-8 inches by tomorrow. It is nice that I don't have to go to work or brave the weather. It also means I am stuck in the house with my whole family. Good news is that I weighed myself this morning and I am down another pound. I had an orange to celebrate because I woke up so hungry. I always find that if I have a bigger dinner than normal I wake up hungry. If I don't eat much the night before, I am fine in the morning. Isn't that weird? I am going to try for an hour on the treadmill before lunch. I won't be able to avoid the meal all together so I am thinking soup is a good option.

Last night my mom was in a crazy mood. I went to Applebee's with her and little sis. I had the new Steak and Potato Salad off the Weight Watchers Menu and it was only 380 calories! I am not sure if that includes the dressing or not, but either way that was all I ate all day so it wasn't bad at all. Halfway through the meal my mom started questioning my little sister about what she has accomplished during her winter break. Now, she hasn't done much, but even if she had, my mom wouldn't be satisfied. No matter what we do, it is never enough for my mom. I always use the example of being in like 7th grade and coming home with a 93 on a test and my mom saying "Why isn't it a 95?" My sisters and I do so much to make her proud and we always end up hearing things like "What did I do to deserve this?" "I gave up everything for you and I get nothing back" etc., etc., etc. So she started yelling in Applebee's, continued for the whole car ride home, and then for like an hour at home. It was awful. I felt really bad because the whole time she was yelling, I just was grateful that it wasn't at me for once. I am normally the target for my mother's crazy moods and it was nice to just to be under the radar...

I am thinking about starting the Skinny Girl Diet (here) or the ABC diet (here). I have never done the Skinny Girl Diet before, but it seems like a lot of calories. I have been doing pretty good staying under 500 calories a day so I don't know if doing that diet is taking a step backwards. I have done the ABC diet before, but when I wasn't living at home and could totally control the amount of food I ate. Now, some days I have to eat a full dinner because I have no choice. What if that is on a fast or 100 calorie day? I don't want to set myself up for failure. I have been in such a positive mood and I don't want that to change. Hmmm. I will think about it. Maybe start something Monday. :)

Stay Strong and Skinny,

xoxo

Nicole

P.S. Some more snow Cons: I won't be able to see Bear tonight. And I can't get warm. I am so cold that my finger nails are blue. Pro: It looks beautiful outside. xx

followers :)

I just wanted to start this post by saying how excited and happy I am to have followers! I honestly wasn't expecting anyone to ever take the time to read my ramblings. I get so much strength from the blogs I read and I hope I serve some sort of purpose for the people that choose to read mine. :) I have no idea if the people who are "following" me actually read, but when I log in and see that I have a new follower, it is like receiving a gift! haha This probably sounds silly, but it is very true. It has only been a short amount of time since I started this blog and started reading others, but it has been an amazing decision. So sum up this babble: thank you followers :) [P.S. In case anyone is reading this: If pictures of food are a trigger for you, you might want to stop reading. There is a picture of a cupcake later in this post! xoxo]

So my fast last week went surprisingly well. Actually, I probably should not call it a fast because I did have to eat. Wednesday night, I had a work staff meeting that I forgot about. We have catered dinners at these meetings and I felt really weird not getting anything so I had a small plate of ziti. I am doing really well at work. My boss loves me; I think it is because she is such a dork and I humor her silly stories. That sounds bad, but I feel like most people blow her off. She is one of those people that just likes to hear themselves talk. I need the money and the hours so I don't mind listening to her. Thursday I did great and only had some soup because I was feeling faint. Friday also went really well. I worked all day and didn't eat. Friday night I went to a play with Bear and his parents. There is this little quaint theater in a town near mine that has traveling theater companies put on shows every so often. Bear's parents have always had season tickets and this year they bought tickets for Bear and I as well. Friday was our first show. The play was called Crazy for You and had all Gershwin music. It was really cute. It was even cuter to see Bear suffering through it because he knows I like stuff like that. :) He bought me popcorn at intermission without me asking for it because he knows I love movie theater style popcorn. You know the kind that is super salty and buttery? I shared most of it with his mom but that was all I had that day. I think from now on I should never tell anyone what I like to eat. It is really weird to say no to something when the person giving it to you knows you love it!

Saturday was an awesome/terrible day. I worked during the day and Bear had a work meeting in Delaware. Bear's meeting went really well and he landed a super big client! I was so happy and proud of him. He is still starting off in his business so every time he gets a client it is so exciting. Then after his meeting he got a call from his realtor. [Backstory: After Bear graduated with his M.B.A. in 2009, he got a really good job working for the Navy in Washington D.C. He thought he was going to stay with the job for a three year rotation and then see if he could transfer back to the Philadelphia area. He bought a really cute condo in Arlington, VA. We painted it and fixed it up and it was great. To make a long story short, he hated the job and got an offer from Morgan Stanley and ended up leaving the government and moving home after six months. Two of his fraternity brothers have been living in the condo paying rent and the condo has been on the market ever since.] Someone finally put an offer in on the condo! We thought it would never sell! The offer was shitty, but Bear countered and the guy accepted. So as long as everything goes as planned, he will be rid of the condo by the end of February! It was such a happy and exciting day for him. He called and told my parents (my dad works for the same company as Bear) and they decided to take him out to dinner to celebrate. We went to one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. It was really fun, but I ate so much food. I was so uncomfortable after that I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt like I ruined the progress I had made over the last few days but after weighing myself the next morning I had stayed the same.

Sunday is always a hard day because of Big Italian Dinner that we have every week after church. I managed to avoid most of it, but I had to eat what was served (raviolis). Yesterday I was able to work out finally. I have been so busy and tired all the time that I haven't gotten on the treadmill. I ran for 30 min yesterday though and it felt great. Last night I went out to eat with Bear and a couple that are potential clients for him. I ordered pretty healthy and didn't eat most of it.

This morning I am down a pound from last week. Not the progress I wanted, but I will take it. I am really happy that I have gotten into the routine of not eating anything but dinner. I have not figured out yet how to avoid dinner entirely, but at least if I don't eat anything else all day, it isn't as bad. The fact that I live with my parents and see Bear every night, both of which love food and eating (again, we are Italian), makes skipping dinner really hard. Tonight my dad has a business dinner and Bear is working late so my mom wants to go out to dinner with me. I am definitely going to run again tonight. Maybe I will try to run for an hour to balance out another dinner at a restaurant.

Valentine's Day is right around the corner! Even though I have someone I love in my life, I still am not a huge fan of the holiday. I feel like it is forced romance. Bear and I pretty much do our own thing. He gets me flowers and does nice things for me on random days. We get gifts for each other all throughout the year. If you need a holiday to do something nice for each other, your relationship has problems. That being said, we normally go out to eat or something for the day. I bake something for him and he gets me flowers. The thing that sets Bear's flowers apart from every other guy, is that he hates pre-made flower arrangements. He will go buy several bouquets, unassemble them, and make his own arrangement! haha It is so silly and sweet. I am not going to say that they look professional or amazing, but the thought he puts into it, makes it work it every year. I am looking into some new cupcake ideas. I know it is sick, but I LOVE baking. It is one of my favorite things to do. I love baking for people and the happiness it brings them. The weird part is that I give everything I make away, so I am not tempted to eat it. I found a cute recipe for multi-colored cupcakes that I think I am going to use and then decorate them cute. I just bought adorable valentine cupcake wrappers. The plan is to make a double batch and give some to Bear, some to his parents, and some to mine. Maybe I will even bring some in to work. :)

Bear's Flowers Valentine's Day 2010 :) the cupcakes I am going to try to make <3

Stay Strong and Skinny

xoxox

Nicole

fasting

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess

And we are so fragile
And our cracking bones make noise
And we are just
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

-Breakable, Ingrid Michaelson

Last weekend was up and down. I got to spend a lot of time with Bear and his family which was wonderful. They are really awesome people. So much less complicated than my family. His mom loves me and is kind to me no matter what. Being with her is easy; unlike being with mom, who is constantly criticizing, always complaining. I am almost always on edge around my mom, so being at his house so much this weekend was nice. It was his mom's birthday. The down side to the celebrations was all the food. I binged like crazy Monday night. Yesterday was bad too. Bear brought me food when he came over and little sis baked cookies and forced them on me. I felt so gross last night, so of course I binged some more. Pizza, cookies, and a huge baked potato later, it was all of my self control not to purge. But I didn't! In celebration of choosing to be less self-destructive, I am going to try a fast. I think the first meal I will have to have with people is Friday night with Bear so I am going to try and make it to then. I may have to have dinner with my family tomorrow but we will see. Wish me luck :)

xoxox

Stay strong and skinny,

Nicole

2 pounds :)

I have been having an awesome week. I have managed to only eat dinner all week. It has been hard to avoid that meal because there is always someone around, particularly Bear. The worst night was when I went to Bear's house from work and his mom fed me dinner. She gave me so much food and I ate it all. There is something about being raised Italian that when someone puts a plate of homemade food in front of you, you eat it. No questions asked. Anything less is an insult. Both Bear's mom and my mom are the kind of Italian women who ask you if you are hungry the minute you walk through the door ask you if you are hungry. No matter what your response is, they respond with "ok, I'll make you something." Regardless of that huge Italian meal, I am down 2 pounds this morning. :) I feel pretty good about it. As good as my week was, I know the weekend is always my downfall. Too many people around at meal times. I am back into running big time though, so I will have to put in some extra time on the treadmill.

Yesterday I didn't eat anything all day and then had to go work a short 6-8 shift at work. I felt like I was drunk. haha I haven't had that hungry, light, drunk feeling in a while and it was so awesome. I flew through my session on a cloud. The only downfall to working one-on-one with people is that they can hear your stomach growl. I just make a joke out of it. I don't have to work today and my dad said he will make me lunch. He normally makes an omelet with veggies, so that isn't too bad.

I just made plans to meet up with 3 of my senior week girlfriends from college this month! We are going to meet up in NYC on the 28th. I am super excited. These girls are the best and I don't get to see them that often. A (my engaged bff) is of course going and then my other 2 good friends, Troy* and Becks*. My senior year of college everyone went on senior week to Hilton Head, South Carolina. Basically the entire senior class goes and rents mansions in the same few streets in Hilton Head the week before graduation and drink, party, and lay on the beach. Our house was 13 of my best friends from college. It was the best week! Whenever I talk about any of the girls from that house, they are normally referred to as my senior week girls. :) We try to get together as often as we can, but everyone's lives are so busy.

our house is second from the left :)

Troy and Becks are best friends from high school and both live on long island and work in the city. It is really fun to get together the 4 of us because it is like 2 sets of best friends getting together to form this awesome foursome. haha That sounds so weird, maybe I am still drunk from last night! I am going to drive up to A's house in central jersey and we will take the train into the city together. We are going to have dinner at a place called Nick and Stef's because it will be restaurant week in NYC. Obviously it is a little anxiety producing to be eating at a awesome restaurant, but I will do it because I love these girls so much. I am excited because this gives me a new weight loss goal! I would love to loss enough weight by then to be noticeable by them. I am off to a good start I think :) All of them know about my ED, but I never know how they are going to treat it. Sometimes they are really supportive and other times they are super annoying and try to get too involved. The only times they got over-involved were when I was really thin though so I should be ok this time.

I told my older sister that I was going to be going up to NYC and she offered to have me stay over there. I am not sure what I am going to do about that. Our relationship is so up and down. Right now we are ok, but I could show up there that day and she could be a total bitch to me, and A would probably be with me if I stayed over. A is well aware of my sister and my rocky relationship but I am not sure I want to put myself in a awkward position. I guess my plan is to play it by ear and see what happens.

Changing the subject, my fake resolutions are going well! I have been eating awesomely well, working out, and I paid a bunch of bills on time this week! Paying the bills made me temporarily depressed because it made it really clear how broke I am, but then I realized that I paid on time which made me very happy! Maybe a person is cabable of change! haha Ignore me, I clearly am on an upswing in the mood curve.

This weekend plans:

Today:

Home for lunch with dad

Baking with little sis

Dinner and movie with Bear (still not sure on specifics)

Tomorrow:

Work 9-3

Dinner with fam

Down to AC with friends :)

Sunday:

Church and fam dinner

Baking Bear's mom a birthday cake

Monday:

Off for MLK day

Out to lunch for Bear's mom's bday

I am sure there is more but that is all I know so far. Weekends are hard on food and blogging so let's hope this good mood has staying power :)

Stay strong and skinny!

Nicole

xoxoxo

*Obviously, my friends and family's names are changed. I change them to a first initial or nickname or a variation of their first or last name. I know that pretty much no one reads this blog and especially no anyone I know, but I just feel weird putting there names out there.

Taylor Swift Thinspo

I really like Taylor Swift. Some of her music can be a little annoying, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be her friend. Some reasons I like T-Swizzle:

-She is thin.

-She is tall (like me!).

-She has long curly hair that she doesn't straighten all the time (like me!).

-She does a lot for charity.

-She seems to really care about her fans.

-I like some of her music.

-It is cool that she writes her own songs.

-Her songs basically call out her ex-boyfriends which is so bad ass.

-She rocks live performances.

-She has cute clothes.

-She just seems like a good person.

All of that being said, here is some Taylor Swift Thinspo:

Stay Strong,

Nicole

xoxoxo

This Is the First Day Of My Life

This is the first day of my life

I swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain

Suddenly everything changed

They're spreadin' blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw

I Think I was blind before I met you

I don't know where I am

I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know

That these things take forever

I especially am slow

But I realized that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night

Just to meet me in the morning

And I thought it was strange

You said everything changed

You felt as if you just woke up

And you said,

This is the first day of my life,

I'm Glad I didn't die before I met you

But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you

And I'd probably be happy.

So if you wanna be with me

With these things there's no telling

We'll just have to wait and see

But I'd rather be working for a paycheck

Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time it's different

I mean I really think you like me...

-This Is the First Day Of My Life, Bright Eyes

The summer of 2005 was the summer that changed my life. I made it through my freshman year of college, but just barely. Having freedom for the first time in my life really turned my life upside down. I went to college, started drinking 4-5 times a week, gained the freshman 15, my in control ED came back in my life in a big way, lost 40 pounds, went into counseling, my parents almost made me drop out of school to go into treatment, and I broke up and got back together with my high school boyfriend (Woo) at least 3 times. When I came home in May 2005, I was totally lost and broken. Woo had been a huge part of my life since I was 14. He saw me through my ED, deaths, high school drama and everything else. I really thought he was it for me. I thought what we had was real love. When it came down to it though, he had his own issues. Severe anxiety disorder, family issues, idiot friends he listened to too much. While he was a support for me at times, he also let me down and broke my heart more than anyone should. I finally decided that I had to get my life in order and broke up with him for good when I came home for the summer. It killed me to do it. I felt (and still feel) responsible for him. I was his rock and his motivator. All this time has past and I still wonder if he is ok without me. He never finished college and I carry guilt for that. I know it is crazy, but I think if we stayed together, he wouldn't have dropped out because I wouldn't have let him. Despite that, I decided that to be healthy, I had to get him out of my life.

After Woo and I broke up, I started seeing an amazing therapist and a pretty cool nutritionist. Between the two of them, my life started to return to normal. I gained back some weight and was hanging out with friends that I had shut out for the past few months. My best friend from high school (M) and I got jobs at the mall. She was working at Eddie Bauer (haha... it was the only place she could find a job) and I worked at American Eagle. She was still with her high school boyfriend at the time. M and I have known each other since we were in pre-school. It is weird to call her my best friend because she is more like my sister. When I say she is my sister, I mean she will always be in my life and I love her, but she drives me crazy and I hate her sometimes too. For better or worse, she is my best friend. Anyway, she is only happy when she is in a relationship. After about a month and a half of me being single she was itching to set me up. She hated that I was alone and couldn't understand why I didn't want to be in another relationship. For the first time in my life, I was learning to be happy alone. I still felt bad about my break-up, but I felt free. I could do what I wanted without worrying about the fall out. By the beginning of July, I was the happiest I could ever remember. That is also when M started telling me about this awesome guy she worked with: Bear. At first I didn't think anything of it. But then she mentioned that she thought that we would be perfect for each other. She told me about how he was tall and really good looking, had a great sense of humor, loved sports, was smart, etc., etc. I think our first conversation about her setting me up went something like this:

M: I think you guys should go out.

me: No.

M: He is amazing! I know you guys would really hit it off.

me: No.

M: Come on, he is a great guy, you will love him. And then we can double date!

me: No way in hell.

So M bugged me about Bear for a while. One day she was over my house and told my mom and little sister about him. They both encouraged me to out with him and I still resisted. For some reason, they all wouldn't let it drop. It was nothing against him specifically. I had seen him one time when I went into M's store and he was really cute. I just didn't want to upset the balance of my new found happiness. One hot July day M, little sis, and I were driving down to Ocean City to visit A, my best friend from college who was on vacation. As I was driving on the way down, my little sis brought up Bear. She asked M when she was going to set us up. She said, "actually..." and pulled out her cell phone. I yelled at her not to, but she called him anyway. I was driving and couldn't stop her even though I was really pissed. It turned out that M had been talking to him about me as well. He saw me when I came in the store and told her that he was definitely interested in going out. She asked him on the phone if he was interested in going on a double date the next night with me and her and her boyfriend and he agreed. We spent that whole day on the beach with me stressing about it and A, M, and little sis convincing me that it was going to be so much fun.

The next night, we were all supposed to meet at M's house at 7 to go miniature golfing. I went to M's house around 6:30 and sat in her bathroom with her while she did her hair. I was totally stressing out and falling apart. Woo and I had been on and off for 5 years. I had casually seen people when we had off periods, but I hadn't been on a date with someone I didn't know well in a very very long time. I was so mad that I was being forced on this date and so nervous that it wouldn't go well. Bear showed up 15 minutes early before M's boyfriend and before M was ready. I was such a little baby that I refused to go downstairs without her and made her go down and let him in and rush to get ready so I could go downstairs with her.

The date went surprisingly well. Bear is the kind of person that can talk to absolutely anyone. The conversation never got awkward and we all had a really fun time. After golfing we all went back to my house for food and he met my family. When everyone left, he gave me a hug goodbye and didn't ask for my number. I was glad it was over and thought he was a nice and good-looking guy, but I didn't really care if I saw him again or not. He ended up calling M and asking for my number to ask me out on another date. This time we went by ourselves to dinner and a movie. He was so nervous! He blushed a lot and was visibly apprehensive. I think I fell for him when I saw his hands shaking as he tried to unlock and open my car door for me. As weird as it seems, his nervousness put me at ease. He was so adorable and we had such a good time. When he walked me to the door at the end of the night, his nervousness was at an all time high. I knew I had to take charge so I kissed him goodbye. Just a small peck, but I saw stars. I remember running up to my little sister's room from the front door, jumping on her bed, and telling her that I was in love. It was crazy how one date was all it took.

He called me the next day to set up another time to see each other. We went out a few times after that and he came into American Eagle almost every time I had a shift. Bear gradually relaxed around me, but was still nervous. His nervous tick was saying "it's all good." haha It was so funny and cute and my family teased me by saying it all the time. It took him 4 dates to really kiss me. We were sitting on the couch at his parents house watching "Without a Paddle." He kissed me and I literally felt dizzy. He put his hand on my hip and his hand touched a little sliver of skin that was there where my shirt had ridden up and I swear it was like sparks were flying off my skin. We were only seeing each other for a month when we both had to go back to school. I promised myself that I was going to wait until he brought up how we were going to handle being at schools 3.5 hours apart and if we were even going to be talking after we went away. Clearly I did not keep this promise to myself and I asked him about it. He just laughed and told me that of course we would make it work and see each other during the school year. Saying goodbye to him the night before I went to school was really hard because I had no idea what was going to happen next. I made him pinky promise me at my front door that he would keep calling me. He laughed. I didn't care if I seemed desperate or clingy; I was totally head over heels.

My first few days at school for my sophomore year we talked every day on the phone. I drunk dialed him and told him how much I liked him. He called me every morning to make sure I was getting up on time even if he didn't have to be awake. We put a label on our relationship through on of our daily morning conversations. We were talking about presents and how I love shopping for people.

Bear: Don't worry, I buy my girlfriends awesome gifts.

Me: What?

Bear: I just mean, you are going to love the gifts I get you.

Me: I am your girlfriend?

Bear: Umm, yeah. I mean only if you want to be.

Me: I want to be.

Bear: Good, cause you already are.

Bear left for school a few days after me. We had only been apart a week when one late night we were texting as I fell asleep. I sent him one that said "if you left now, you could be here by morning." He called me at 8am the next morning to tell me he was 15 minutes away. We spent the day with me showing him around my college and the surrounding town, snuggling in bed, and taking our physical relationship slowly inches forward. He could only stay one night but it was the best night of my life up until that point. When he was leaving, he hugged me and whispered in my ear, "I will miss you. Take care of the girl I love." I didn't know what to say. We had only know each other a month. How could we love each other already? The only other person I loved was Woo, and it took us a really long time to say those words to each other. I called M totally stressed and scared and told her. She calmed me and told me to stop trying to overthink everything and that no one can control how fast or slow they fall in love. She told me that she had never seen me so happy or at peace and to allow myself to feel whatever it was that was in my heart. The next morning as we were hanging up the phone Bear told me he loved me, as if it were the most normal thing in the world to say. I told him I loved him to. His response? "You do?" "Yeah, I do." "Good. Have a great day baby."

Since that summer, Bear and I have been through it all. Good times and bad. Days where we were so in love I felt like my heart would burst open and days when we screamed so loudly at each other that I would have a panic attack. He makes me so happy and so crazy at the same time. No matter what we are going through though, I have never once doubted that he is it for me. No matter how much either of us screws up, we are still us. I can't believe I ever though I experienced love before him. The love we have not a small girlfriend/boyfriend love. He completes me and centers me in every way possible. I have total trust in him to be there for me in absolutely any situation. Before him, I did not know what it was like to have someone stick around, even when you piss them off. I know that even when things are bad, if I needed him, he would be there no questions asked. I trust him more than anyone. He is the only person I want to be with, no matter what the circumstances. He is my partner, my confidante, my soulmate; as corny as that might sound. Sometimes I sit and wonder how I got so lucky to find someone so perfect for me. Little things like the way he looked at me last night as we said good night, how he kissed my forehead, how he worries if I had dinner, make me count my lucky stars and thank God. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I will never let him go.

Sorry for the sap. I sometimes disgust even my sister with how in love I am. One of my favorite parts about my relationship is that we don't have to brag about our love; it is just there and apparent in the way we treat each other. I just couldn't hold it in today. <3

Stay strong,

xoxoxo,

Nicole