Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Favorite Time of the Day

Living with Ana and my family is exhausting.  Yesterday was only my first day trying to restrict and it was harder than I thought.  When I lived on my own, I could do whatever I wanted.  I not eat for 2 days and no one would know.  I could eat celery for dinner if I felt like it.  I could go for a late night run with no one thinking it was strange.  Now that I live with my parents, I feel my every move is being watched.  I had to eat with my mom last night.  I knew I couldn't get away with not eating, so I just took small portions and tried to not eat it all.  Even though she didn't say anything, I could tell she noticed.   I don't know if I am being paranoid after years of her being on top of my every move, but at least she didn't say anything.  Last night I was so hungry.  I tried to distract myself, but then my mom came to my room with a piece of my favorite kind of pie.  I ate it all.  So my first day did not go as planned.

My favorite time of day is right now.  The middle of the day when I am all alone in my big house.  I can do whatever I want.  For a while my mom was coming home for lunch every day and eating with me.  She has stopped coming everyday now, so I have pretty much the whole day to myself.  I can run on the treadmill, clean, watch Say Yes to the Dress, and only eat what I want.  I didn't have to have breakfast or lunch today.  I just had a small bowl of cereal and I feel great!  

Tonight I am going to some event at an exclusive club in Philadelphia with my boyfriend, Bear.  He works for a big financial firm as a wealth manager.  He often has networking events and cocktail hours to attend.  I haven't been to one with him for a while so I am super excited.  Even though the people and conversations are normally dull, I get to get dressed up and go to a cool place with my boy.  He has been so amazing to me over the years.  I don't know what I ever did to deserve someone so perfect and special.  He is a constant support for me and is really the only person in the world that I truly love and trust.  I am not looking forward to getting dressed for tonight, but for now I am fitting into my mom's clothes.  Even though that means I am SO BIG, she has some really nice clothes, so I will probably just borrow.  I am hoping I can get away with pretending to eat hor d'oeuvres tonight so he doesn't want to take me out to dinner after... 

I watched 2 hours of Say Yes to the Dress today.  I LOVE that show.  I love weddings in general.  Bear and I have been together for over 5 years.  Before my most recent issues with my weight, we were talking a lot about getting married.  Since I have been back at home, he hadn't brought it up again until 3 nights ago.  We were just laying around and he kissed me and said "I think we should get married soon." I couldn't believe it!! I thought there would be no way we would be talking about it again until at least the spring.  I don't know how serious he was but now it is all I can think about.  I always thought I wanted to wait until I was at least 25 but I have been so depressed lately I am thinking maybe we just just do it already!  I don't know.

Speaking of weddings, my best friend from college is getting married next summer.  I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. :-)  It has been really fun helping her plan her wedding.  Next weekend I am driving up to where she lives (about an hour away) to get fitted for my bridesmaid dress.  I am dreadingggggg it.  I can't wait to see her, but I really don't want to be measured right now.  AND I thought it was just going to be me and her, but now she just sent an email inviting the other bridesmaids to come with us.  There is only one girl in the bridal party that is smaller than me, but she is coming.  I don't know why I am letting that bother me, but it is.  I have 10 days.  I was thinking if I was really really good, maybe I could be down 5 pounds by then?? I know that is probably not going to happen, but I would be happy with any weight loss by then. 

I need to get running again...

Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong...


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