Roller Coaster

Got my period this morning. Yuck. I feel so bloated and gross. I get the worst cramps and headaches. I am not on the pill right now and that is the only thing that makes the pain better. I am scared to go back on because last time it made me gain weight. It did make my boobs pretty fantastic though ;) This is probably an over share, but something I like about getting my period is how much I poop. haha. I literally expel everything for like 2 days. Which is awesome because another thing I am scared of is laxatives. I abused laxatives to the point that my body was really fucked up for a long time about 2 years ago. I am glad Ana is back in my life after a while of everyone keeping her from me; however, this time I am going to be careful. I am going to make sure people are not alarmed by my weight or behavior. That means no laxatives, no purging, no fainting, no over-exercising. We will see how long that lasts...

Yesterday was annoying because I had lunch with my mom and then dinner at Bear's house with his parents. I told them I already had a snack at work so I was able to eat small portions, but it was still way more than I wanted to eat. Bear kept putting things on my plate. It was really hard to not get angry with him because I know he wasn't doing it to upset me. He was so cute last night. He works really long days and drives far to work, so when we hang out on weeknights he is really tired. He knew he just needed sleep last night, but he made me promise to stay for a least an hour after dinner just so we could be near each other. So he slept and held onto me and I watched grey's. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. When I was driving home I felt so guilty. I could really care less about what my family thinks about my eating habits or anything. But I promised him when I came home that I would take care of myself. I don't want to break that promise. I guess that is why I plan on welcoming Ana back slowly and reasonably. I can't tell if that makes sense or if it is just a huge rationalization that I am telling myself.

Tonight is Pizza Night. For as long as I can remember, my family has pizza on Friday nights. It is so annoying and really hard to get around. Luckily tonight I am working 4pm-8pm. Hopefully that means my parents will eat without me and save me some for when I get home. That way I won't have to eat as much of it as if I was sitting with them. So far today I haven't eaten anything. I love the mornings and afternoons alone :) I love feeling empty all day almost as much as I hate eating and stopping that feeling. I still am not drinking enough water. I just hate it! Is that weird? I just don't like plain water, so I have been drinking diet green tea instead. I need to get out and buy some lemons and cucumbers. I can bear the water when I put some flavor in it. I am thinking of holding out a little while longer, and then having some soup for lunch.

I am both looking forward to and dreading this weekend. I feel like I live in that constant state of duplicity. Half of me happy, half depressed. Half trying to please everyone, half not caring. I wish I could just fall onto one side. I hate always feeling as if I am walking along the edge of a knife. I don't know how to make peace of my split personality. This weekend I have a lot going on. Tomorrow there is a Christmas parade and Train Show in Ocean City. Bear has a shore house down there and my dad is obsessed with trains, so we are all going for the day. Both my parents, Bear and I and both of his parents. It is still odd for me when our parents get together, but they get along well so I guess it is ok. Sunday my younger sister has a Christmas Choir concert at college and we are all going (mom, dad, mom-mom, Bear and me). We are going to go the the concert in the afternoon and then out to dinner. It should all be fun, I hope.

Thinking about OC makes me think about summer which gives me a stomachache. I was so skinny this summer and now I am so fat.

On a happier note, plans for New Years Eve have started! I love New Years! Dancing all night, getting drunk, being with friends and kissing everyone. I seriously kiss everyone at midnight on New Years. I don't know why, but Bear doesn't seem to mind so it's all good. I am flat broke right now but I am not sure I will be able to resist buying a new dress for new years. Maybe just a cheap one from like Charlotte Russe or Forever 21? Maybe I will be smaller by then? Here are two I like that might hide my huge ass...

Reading back over this entry, I realize even more how up and down I am. Maybe my goal should be to be less bipolar! Ugh. My life is a roller coaster. That is all for now I suppose.

I will get through.

I will get through.

I will get through.

love

nicole xo

"I laid in bed that night and thought about the day
And how my life is like a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way
It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight
You can't really smile until you've shed some tears
I could die today or I might live on for years
I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life"

-Darryl Worley