Thursday, December 9, 2010

Another low

Sometimes I feel like I am a prisoner. Actually, I feel that way most of the time. I wonder what it must be like to feel totally free. Free to do whatever you might want to do. Not feel constantly guilty. Not feel like you have to answer to other people, to your own crazy thoughts and expectations. I don't know what I can do to break free.

I am feeling a little crazy right now. It is 2am and I haven't eaten since dinner last night. Honestly, in my past, that would mean nothing. But now, after being stuffed full of food for months, it feels like a really long time. I feel empty and yet like lead. My head is pounding and I can't seem to shut my brain down. I just want to go to sleep but a thousand thoughts are running through my mind. I am not sure how I got to this point in my life. Hiding so many things from so many people. It is times like this when I am at my most desperate that I find myself having crazy thoughts. I imagine running far away and starting over. Never talking to my family or friends again. Bear is the only person that I truly would miss anyway. He is better off without me. Maybe going to California or Arizona or somewhere far. Maybe Canada. Then I really scare myself and start thinking about what this world would be like without me in it. It scares me that I am even writing this down and putting it out into the universe. Maybe it is the lack of food or maybe lack of sleep or whatever. I just wonder what would happen if I just disappeared. I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath because I wouldn't be here. I am going to stop talking about this now and put it out of my mind.

Only coffee, water, green tea, and 1 cup of veggie broth today. My mom told me today that she took off from work Friday so we can go to the Philadelphia Outlets. I am happy because we have been wanting to go, but that means breakfast and lunch with her. I am hoping Friday will be a good day. I never know what it will be like with me and my mom. That also means I am going to have to stop fasting earlier than I thought. It is just as well. I set my sights too high thinking I would make it til Friday night when I haven't been without food in so long. I am pretty sure I going to have to eat tomorrow. I have to work 4-8pm again and in order to drive and teach and function, I am going to need food. Maybe an egg white or something. I don't know.

Trying to spin things positively, I did buy a new years dress today. I couldn't help myself. Even though I am spending $160 on a bridesmaid dress Saturday, I had to get something. It was only $20 at JC Penny. I tried looking for it online to post a picture, but it isn't there. Probably because it was on clearance. It is similar to the ones I posted earlier. Strapless, black on top and black and pink polka dot on bottom, empire waste. I am also on my 3rd Boardwalk Empire episode of the day. Loveee it. After this episode I am going to try and sleep.

Well, maybe one more episode.
Laying in bed with my thoughts is almost worse than eating.
Tyring to stay strong,

How did Ashley Greene get fit for New Moon?
“It was really easy,” the actress, 22, told Saturday at the Magnificent Mile Festival of Lights event in Naperville, Il. “We were working 12 hours a day, so it didn’t leave too much time to eat.”

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