Another low

Sometimes I feel like I am a prisoner. Actually, I feel that way most of the time. I wonder what it must be like to feel totally free. Free to do whatever you might want to do. Not feel constantly guilty. Not feel like you have to answer to other people, to your own crazy thoughts and expectations. I don't know what I can do to break free.

I am feeling a little crazy right now. It is 2am and I haven't eaten since dinner last night. Honestly, in my past, that would mean nothing. But now, after being stuffed full of food for months, it feels like a really long time. I feel empty and yet like lead. My head is pounding and I can't seem to shut my brain down. I just want to go to sleep but a thousand thoughts are running through my mind. I am not sure how I got to this point in my life. Hiding so many things from so many people. It is times like this when I am at my most desperate that I find myself having crazy thoughts. I imagine running far away and starting over. Never talking to my family or friends again. Bear is the only person that I truly would miss anyway. He is better off without me. Maybe going to California or Arizona or somewhere far. Maybe Canada. Then I really scare myself and start thinking about what this world would be like without me in it. It scares me that I am even writing this down and putting it out into the universe. Maybe it is the lack of food or maybe lack of sleep or whatever. I just wonder what would happen if I just disappeared. I wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath because I wouldn't be here. I am going to stop talking about this now and put it out of my mind.

Only coffee, water, green tea, and 1 cup of veggie broth today. My mom told me today that she took off from work Friday so we can go to the Philadelphia Outlets. I am happy because we have been wanting to go, but that means breakfast and lunch with her. I am hoping Friday will be a good day. I never know what it will be like with me and my mom. That also means I am going to have to stop fasting earlier than I thought. It is just as well. I set my sights too high thinking I would make it til Friday night when I haven't been without food in so long. I am pretty sure I going to have to eat tomorrow. I have to work 4-8pm again and in order to drive and teach and function, I am going to need food. Maybe an egg white or something. I don't know.

Trying to spin things positively, I did buy a new years dress today. I couldn't help myself. Even though I am spending $160 on a bridesmaid dress Saturday, I had to get something. It was only $20 at JC Penny. I tried looking for it online to post a picture, but it isn't there. Probably because it was on clearance. It is similar to the ones I posted earlier. Strapless, black on top and black and pink polka dot on bottom, empire waste. I am also on my 3rd Boardwalk Empire episode of the day. Loveee it. After this episode I am going to try and sleep.

Well, maybe one more episode.

Laying in bed with my thoughts is almost worse than eating.

Tyring to stay strong,

Nicole

How did Ashley Greene get fit for New Moon?

“It was really easy,” the actress, 22, told Usmagazine.com Saturday at the Magnificent Mile Festival of Lights event in Naperville, Il. “We were working 12 hours a day, so it didn’t leave too much time to eat.”

3 pounds

So after the drama of this past weekend and the decision to fast yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling so happy and re-energized! I practically jumped onto the scale and... down 3 pounds! I can't believe it after all the crazy good days mixed with bad since Saturday. Maybe it shook up my metabolism. Whatever it is, I am so happy. I couldn't have started the fast off better. My plan today is to go shopping like I planned and try on some new years dresses. That will definitely make me not want to eat! haha

I don't want to blabber on again about how much I love other people's blogs again, but I have to say that those blogs have really been getting me through. I just love reading about these strong and amazing and super funny women. I can sit and just read through entry posts for hours! haha I have mentioned stuff from other blogs before. I read in another blog (a wonderful blog called "And she said: Te quiero") about a challenge called "30 letters in 30 days." With the challenge, you write a letter to someone you care about each day for a month. You can send them or not, the point is to write them. It reminded me of my freshman year in college. During orientation we saw a speaker; I wish I could remember her name. She was wonderful. She spoke about staying true to who you are and all kinds of things. What I remember most about her speech though was her point about writing letters. She told us about how much letters can mean to people and shared that she used to write letters to her grandfather and never realized how much they meant to him and to her until he passed away. She encouraged each of us to write a letter to someone that week and to see where it took us. I wrote to my grandmother. I quickly received a response in the form of a long letter that was just so funny and thought out that I never would have expected from her. To make a long story short, we kept exchanging letters all through undergrad on and off. I also wrote to others: my sisters, parents, bf, friends from home, and even friends from college that I saw every day. It was so therapeutic for me and I know that almost all of the people I sent letters too really appreciated them. For the past two years in graduate school I got away from letter writing. Ana had pretty much been the center of my world while I was in grad school and the letters stopped for the most part. Now I am home and I haven't written anything until I started this blog. I think the 30 letters in 30 days will be a really good exercise for me. I am not sure I will have them time over the holidays though so maybe I will do it once the new year starts. I am thinking about buying some Christmas cards when I am out and writing personal notes inside each one to kind of get me started. I wonder if my grandma will think it is strange if I start writing her letters again even though we get to see each other every week now. :)

The rest of my day:

get dressed

sports authority for return

ac moore to check out fabric

bed bath and beyond for sister's christmas gift

bank for deposits

acme for lemons, cucumber, veggie broth

home to get changed for work

work 4-8

bear's 8-10

home for crunches and catching up on dvr backlog

I live an exciting life...

It is funny though because even that list of boring activities can't get me down today; I <3>

Here's to not seeing the low,

Stay strong Stay strong Stay strong,

Nicole

xoxo

P.S. It has been so fucking cold out and my car has no heat. I wish it would snow! I wouldn't mind being so cold all the time if I could play in some snow. :)

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels

The weekend was really hard. Saturday night I was so low. Sunday wasn't too too bad, but then Monday was terrible. My dad had the day off from work and my grandmom was over as well. I literally was a bitch all day. I felt like I was under a fucking microscope and ended up eating so much. I just couldn't stop myself. Especially at dinner. It was gross. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. I need to learn to accept my failures and just move forward. I decided not to weigh myself because I didn't want to start the day as depressed as I was all weekend. Today through Friday I am going to be pretty much alone though which makes me so happy!! I was able to only have less than 200 calories so far today, even with my Mom being home :)

Bad news: I have to have dinner with my Mom tonight.

Good news: I won't have to eat with anyone again until Friday night!

Tomorrow and Thursday night I have to work 4 to 8 and my mom can't come home for lunch either day. So my plan is to try my first fast in like 6 months!!! I am super excited (and a little nervous). I don't want to set myself up for failure so I am thinking I will just do a liquid fast for my first one. I have low blood pressure, so even when I was more used to fasting I tend to get light headed. I don't want my blood pressure to get so low that I have to eat. I will just have water, green tea, coffee and maybe some vegetable broth. After dinner tonight with my mom I am going to work out and start the fast. Hopefully I can make it to Friday night!! My plan is to go out with Bear instead of stay home for Pizza Night. Then hopefully I can have soup or a salad to end the fast. Saturday is when I get fitted for my bridesmaid dress. I am praying I am down some weight by then. I am optimistic :)

I am going to go shopping tomorrow so that I have something to do. I don't really have money to spend, but I can't be home all day alone and not think about eating. Maybe I will drive down to the Atlantic City Outlets to take up even more time.

More tomorrow :)

Stay Strong Stay Skinny

Nicole

xoxo

...

Ate so much today.

Feeling like shit.

I don't see anyway around purging when I have to eat every meal with my parents or boyfriend.

There is no way to get around it.

They know all of my tricks.

I feel the same way I used to.

Like I have to choose between having friends and family and having control over my body.

I wish I could make them understand but I know that is impossible.

I wonder if they knew how depressed I feel now if they would see it any differently.

...

Tomorrow is another long, family filled day.

I should be happy.

But I feel like I want to die.

Another meal at a disgusting restaurant.

Another layer of fat on my bones.

...

I don't want to choose between family and food.

But I think I have to.

Is it better to be skinny and alone or fat and with those I love?

In my mind I know what I should choose.

But everything inside me screams "SKINNY!"

...

I just want to go to bed and not get up.

Roller Coaster

Got my period this morning. Yuck. I feel so bloated and gross. I get the worst cramps and headaches. I am not on the pill right now and that is the only thing that makes the pain better. I am scared to go back on because last time it made me gain weight. It did make my boobs pretty fantastic though ;) This is probably an over share, but something I like about getting my period is how much I poop. haha. I literally expel everything for like 2 days. Which is awesome because another thing I am scared of is laxatives. I abused laxatives to the point that my body was really fucked up for a long time about 2 years ago. I am glad Ana is back in my life after a while of everyone keeping her from me; however, this time I am going to be careful. I am going to make sure people are not alarmed by my weight or behavior. That means no laxatives, no purging, no fainting, no over-exercising. We will see how long that lasts...

Yesterday was annoying because I had lunch with my mom and then dinner at Bear's house with his parents. I told them I already had a snack at work so I was able to eat small portions, but it was still way more than I wanted to eat. Bear kept putting things on my plate. It was really hard to not get angry with him because I know he wasn't doing it to upset me. He was so cute last night. He works really long days and drives far to work, so when we hang out on weeknights he is really tired. He knew he just needed sleep last night, but he made me promise to stay for a least an hour after dinner just so we could be near each other. So he slept and held onto me and I watched grey's. I love him so much it hurts sometimes. When I was driving home I felt so guilty. I could really care less about what my family thinks about my eating habits or anything. But I promised him when I came home that I would take care of myself. I don't want to break that promise. I guess that is why I plan on welcoming Ana back slowly and reasonably. I can't tell if that makes sense or if it is just a huge rationalization that I am telling myself.

Tonight is Pizza Night. For as long as I can remember, my family has pizza on Friday nights. It is so annoying and really hard to get around. Luckily tonight I am working 4pm-8pm. Hopefully that means my parents will eat without me and save me some for when I get home. That way I won't have to eat as much of it as if I was sitting with them. So far today I haven't eaten anything. I love the mornings and afternoons alone :) I love feeling empty all day almost as much as I hate eating and stopping that feeling. I still am not drinking enough water. I just hate it! Is that weird? I just don't like plain water, so I have been drinking diet green tea instead. I need to get out and buy some lemons and cucumbers. I can bear the water when I put some flavor in it. I am thinking of holding out a little while longer, and then having some soup for lunch.

I am both looking forward to and dreading this weekend. I feel like I live in that constant state of duplicity. Half of me happy, half depressed. Half trying to please everyone, half not caring. I wish I could just fall onto one side. I hate always feeling as if I am walking along the edge of a knife. I don't know how to make peace of my split personality. This weekend I have a lot going on. Tomorrow there is a Christmas parade and Train Show in Ocean City. Bear has a shore house down there and my dad is obsessed with trains, so we are all going for the day. Both my parents, Bear and I and both of his parents. It is still odd for me when our parents get together, but they get along well so I guess it is ok. Sunday my younger sister has a Christmas Choir concert at college and we are all going (mom, dad, mom-mom, Bear and me). We are going to go the the concert in the afternoon and then out to dinner. It should all be fun, I hope.

Thinking about OC makes me think about summer which gives me a stomachache. I was so skinny this summer and now I am so fat.

On a happier note, plans for New Years Eve have started! I love New Years! Dancing all night, getting drunk, being with friends and kissing everyone. I seriously kiss everyone at midnight on New Years. I don't know why, but Bear doesn't seem to mind so it's all good. I am flat broke right now but I am not sure I will be able to resist buying a new dress for new years. Maybe just a cheap one from like Charlotte Russe or Forever 21? Maybe I will be smaller by then? Here are two I like that might hide my huge ass...

Reading back over this entry, I realize even more how up and down I am. Maybe my goal should be to be less bipolar! Ugh. My life is a roller coaster. That is all for now I suppose.

I will get through.

I will get through.

I will get through.

love

nicole xo

"I laid in bed that night and thought about the day
And how my life is like a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way
It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight
You can't really smile until you've shed some tears
I could die today or I might live on for years
I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life"

-Darryl Worley

Picking Fights

So yesterday I only had 460 calories all day! Woot!  It wasn't easy though.  I only had a small bowl of cereal all day, no water (because I am an idiot), and like a million cups of coffee (OK maybe 4).  When I went to leave my house to meet Bear to go into the city I was shaking so hard I had to eat a granola bar.  I am also about to get my period so I am sure that had something to do with it.  I was able to get away with eating almost nothing at the party too!  It was an ethnic event so I just had a taste of a few things and it was fine.  I did have some wine though.  The event turned out to be really cool.  It was Romania's version of Independence Day so they had this super fancy reception with all these foreign dignitaries.  They were from all over: Italy, Brazil, France, etc, etc.  Even the mayor came to speak!  I have to admit, I was still bored. haha! That doesn't mean it wasn't impressive, Bear and I were just the youngest people there.  You can only talk about so much with an old French diplomat.  Getting ready to go to the event was awful.  I looked huge in everything and was a crying mess.  I hate this time of the month.

On the way home I was stupid and picked a fight with Bear.  I get so emotional and needy when I am pmsing and get upset about things I don't normally care about.  He was just acting silly and immature and I totally freaked out on him.  Looking back on it, I feel really bad.  He had no idea where it was coming from and just apologized anyway.  I told him that we never go out or do anything nice (which is definitely not true) and cried like an idiot.  This morning he called me on his way to work to tell me he loves me and that pick any place and we can go out on Saturday night.  I don't deserve him. Ugh.

Today I skipped breakfast because I had to go out to lunch with my mom.  I was able to have a salad, but with everything on it it was still like over 300 calories.  My mom knows what kind of food I like and so when she says something like "Get sunflower seeds on it, they are your favorite" there is really nothing I can do.  She drives me so crazy sometimes.  We have this really crazy up and down relationship.  I love her because she is my mom and we do sometimes have a lot of fun together.  But there are other times when I swear she is psychotic and she has crazy melt downs and I am always in the middle of it.  Today was a good day, until the end when she handed me a list of things to do!  Like errands and things like that.  I understand that I am only working part time right now, but she treats me like I am a child and have to do everything I am told.  So I of course picked a fight with her too, instead of just keeping my mouth shut.  I don't like arguing, it just seems to happen sometime.  I have to start saving up now to move out.  I can't handle this for much longer...

So I am newly addicted to reading other blogs.  I used to read a few in the past but haven't done it in a long time.  So yesterday I just started searching pro ana blogs, and there are so many cool ones out there!  It is so amazing to read someone else's words and identify with them so completely.  I had to leave a few comments too, which is something I have never done.  I started off writing this blog as a way to get out my own thoughts and feelings, just to put them out into the universe because there is no one I can talk to about this stuff.  But now I realize there is this whole supportive community out there that I want to be a part of!  So if anyone is out there, please say hello. :)  Or don't, but know I am here willing to listen and support, <3

One more thing!  On one of the fabulous blogs I was reading (Paper Thin, :) almost my blog name too) there was this hilarious website that I have wasted hours on already.  It is called Dear Blank, Please Blank and it is probably my new favorite procrastination tool.  So funny.  Here are my two favorites so far:

Dear Twihards,
If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours.
Sincerely,
Gay Men of America

Dear girls who tormented me in 7th grade because I was smarter than you,
I need you to work over time tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Your Boss

Stay Strong and Skinny
xoxox
Nicole

Favorite Time of the Day

Living with Ana and my family is exhausting.  Yesterday was only my first day trying to restrict and it was harder than I thought.  When I lived on my own, I could do whatever I wanted.  I not eat for 2 days and no one would know.  I could eat celery for dinner if I felt like it.  I could go for a late night run with no one thinking it was strange.  Now that I live with my parents, I feel my every move is being watched.  I had to eat with my mom last night.  I knew I couldn't get away with not eating, so I just took small portions and tried to not eat it all.  Even though she didn't say anything, I could tell she noticed.   I don't know if I am being paranoid after years of her being on top of my every move, but at least she didn't say anything.  Last night I was so hungry.  I tried to distract myself, but then my mom came to my room with a piece of my favorite kind of pie.  I ate it all.  So my first day did not go as planned.

My favorite time of day is right now.  The middle of the day when I am all alone in my big house.  I can do whatever I want.  For a while my mom was coming home for lunch every day and eating with me.  She has stopped coming everyday now, so I have pretty much the whole day to myself.  I can run on the treadmill, clean, watch Say Yes to the Dress, and only eat what I want.  I didn't have to have breakfast or lunch today.  I just had a small bowl of cereal and I feel great!  

Tonight I am going to some event at an exclusive club in Philadelphia with my boyfriend, Bear.  He works for a big financial firm as a wealth manager.  He often has networking events and cocktail hours to attend.  I haven't been to one with him for a while so I am super excited.  Even though the people and conversations are normally dull, I get to get dressed up and go to a cool place with my boy.  He has been so amazing to me over the years.  I don't know what I ever did to deserve someone so perfect and special.  He is a constant support for me and is really the only person in the world that I truly love and trust.  I am not looking forward to getting dressed for tonight, but for now I am fitting into my mom's clothes.  Even though that means I am SO BIG, she has some really nice clothes, so I will probably just borrow.  I am hoping I can get away with pretending to eat hor d'oeuvres tonight so he doesn't want to take me out to dinner after... 

I watched 2 hours of Say Yes to the Dress today.  I LOVE that show.  I love weddings in general.  Bear and I have been together for over 5 years.  Before my most recent issues with my weight, we were talking a lot about getting married.  Since I have been back at home, he hadn't brought it up again until 3 nights ago.  We were just laying around and he kissed me and said "I think we should get married soon." I couldn't believe it!! I thought there would be no way we would be talking about it again until at least the spring.  I don't know how serious he was but now it is all I can think about.  I always thought I wanted to wait until I was at least 25 but I have been so depressed lately I am thinking maybe we just just do it already!  I don't know.

Speaking of weddings, my best friend from college is getting married next summer.  I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. :-)  It has been really fun helping her plan her wedding.  Next weekend I am driving up to where she lives (about an hour away) to get fitted for my bridesmaid dress.  I am dreadingggggg it.  I can't wait to see her, but I really don't want to be measured right now.  AND I thought it was just going to be me and her, but now she just sent an email inviting the other bridesmaids to come with us.  There is only one girl in the bridal party that is smaller than me, but she is coming.  I don't know why I am letting that bother me, but it is.  I have 10 days.  I was thinking if I was really really good, maybe I could be down 5 pounds by then?? I know that is probably not going to happen, but I would be happy with any weight loss by then. 

I need to get running again...

Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong...

xoxo

Nicole

Kick Off Thinspo Video

Big Isn't Beautiful, Skinny Is Sexy

Hello Old Friend

Do you ever feel like you have zero control over your own life?  Like the harder you try to hold on to some semblance of control, the more difficult it is to get a grip on?  I feel like my life is literally running away from me and I have no hope of catching it.  Ever since I have been in "recovery,"  I feel like I am the last person to be consulted about decisions affecting ME.  I am pretty good at putting on a happy face; I have had plenty of practice.  It is just that lately, I can feel the facade cracking.  I have been drawing unwanted attention to myself because of my bad mood.  I am tired of being questioned about my every thought and action.  I am not a child.  I need a CHANGE.

Ana has been calling me.  She is saying that she missed me.  She is saying that if I come back, she will make everything better.  A small part of me has been resisting.  That part that knows how deceptive I will have to be if I welcome Ana back.  That part knows logically what is best for me physically.  That part knows how many people could be hurt if I disregard everything I have been taught and brainwashed about for the past few months... But that part fighting Ana has been shrinking every day...

Today I ate so much.  So much that when I sat down to calculate the calories for the first time in a while, I almost made myself throw up (which I almost never do).  The act alone of counting my calories for today completely obliterated whatever in me that was fighting Ana.  I bought a scale on my way home from work and hid it in my room.  I am too ashamed to include what my starting weight is, but I can say, it is the most I have weighed in my whole life.  I feel like there are layers and layers of fat pressing down on me, suffocating me.  I am literally drowning in fat and skin.  I miss the clean feeling of bone with tight skin stretching across it.  I hate everyone that told me that the way I was living was wrong.  I hate everyone that made me become this way.  Because I am starting so big, returning to Ana and losing some weight should start off easy at least.

Accepting Ana back into my life feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest.  I always knew she would be there.  She never truly goes away.

Tomorrow is my first day of restricting in months!  I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning!

love love love,
nicole <3