but the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I may seem crazy

Or painfully shy

And these scars wouldn't be so hidden

If you would just look me in the eye

I feel alone here and cold here

Though I don't want to die

But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid

I do not want to die inside just to breathe in

I'm tired of feeling so numb

Relief exists I find it when

I am cut

Pain

I am not alone

I am not alone

Cut, Plumb

SGD Day 9 Intake, 2/8/11:

coffee with skim milk- 10 cal

orange- free!

apple- free!

special k sour cream and onion chips- 50 cal

strawberry crumb bar- 100 cal

lean cuisine sesame chicken- 300 cal

small piece of pizza- 200 cal

coffee with skim milk- 10 cal

Total: 670

Exercise - run - 400 cal

Under today's goal of 300 by 30

Today was so cold and windy. The wind is literally howling outside my window. I can never get warm! I did ok today. I am really mad at myself that I caved and had a slice of pizza. I could have made up an excuse, but it just looked and smelled so good. My dad is away on business this week so I am getting so much more attention from my mom. She is going to want to eat with me every night. Ugh. I had a great night at work. I finally got through to a particularly difficult student and it was pretty rewarding.

Bear just called me and told me he made us dinner reservations for Saturday night in the city. Bear and I hardly get to be alone now that we are both living at home. Most of the time we hang out, our parents are around. I love them all, but it definitely gets old. I am excited for a night out with him, but I just looked up the website of the restaurant and there are no nutritional facts. I don't want a repeat of last weekend, but I don't know another way around it.

Because I constantly have summer on the brain lately...

Even though I am trying really hard to think positive and be happy, I have been feeling pretty down. It isn't even really sadness actually, it is more numb. I feel just empty (and not the good empty stomach emptiness). I am thinking maybe I need a hobby or something else in my life besides work and counting calories. I have to say that when I log on and I have another follower or a comment, it makes me happy. I hope that I can learn to be happy on my own one day.

Stay Strong and Skinny,

Nicole

xoxo