Tuesday, February 8, 2011

but the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I am not alone
I am not alone
Cut, Plumb

SGD Day 9 Intake, 2/8/11:
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
orange- free!
apple- free!
special k sour cream and onion chips- 50 cal
strawberry crumb bar- 100 cal
lean cuisine sesame chicken- 300 cal
small piece of pizza- 200 cal
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
Total: 670
Exercise - run - 400 cal
Under today's goal of 300 by 30

Today was so cold and windy. The wind is literally howling outside my window. I can never get warm! I did ok today. I am really mad at myself that I caved and had a slice of pizza. I could have made up an excuse, but it just looked and smelled so good. My dad is away on business this week so I am getting so much more attention from my mom. She is going to want to eat with me every night. Ugh. I had a great night at work. I finally got through to a particularly difficult student and it was pretty rewarding.

Bear just called me and told me he made us dinner reservations for Saturday night in the city. Bear and I hardly get to be alone now that we are both living at home. Most of the time we hang out, our parents are around. I love them all, but it definitely gets old. I am excited for a night out with him, but I just looked up the website of the restaurant and there are no nutritional facts. I don't want a repeat of last weekend, but I don't know another way around it.

Because I constantly have summer on the brain lately...

Even though I am trying really hard to think positive and be happy, I have been feeling pretty down. It isn't even really sadness actually, it is more numb. I feel just empty (and not the good empty stomach emptiness). I am thinking maybe I need a hobby or something else in my life besides work and counting calories. I have to say that when I log on and I have another follower or a comment, it makes me happy. I hope that I can learn to be happy on my own one day.

Stay Strong and Skinny,

1 comment:

  1. I am definitly feeling very similar at the moment, I don't work this week and I have found myself with too much time to think.

    A hobby does sound like a good idea, I'm thinking about taking up bike riding or something sporty, even rock climbing.

    Keep strong, you have inspired me so much, and I am already down to 57kg (ugw 51kg)