mommy issues

SGD Day 6, 2/5/2011

coffee with skim milk- 10 cal

orange- free!

banana- free!

white rice- 100 cal

1/2 stuffed pepper- 130 cal

small strawberry crumb bar- 100 cal

coffee with skim milk- 10 cal

tasting what I baked- 100 cal

Total: 450 cal

Exercise: power walk and lunges - 250 cal

Total for Day 6: 200 cal

450 under 650 goal.

I should be happy with that total for yesterday but I am not. I had stayed the same when I weighed myself yesterday morning. I was kind of happy with that because I had eaten out the night before and was feeling extremely bloated because of my period. Even though I was relieved I didn't gain, I still felt annoyed that I didn't lose. So that set the tone of the day and I was in a bad mood all day.

Yesterday was just a typical day. I worked. I baked for today's superbowl party. Little Sis, Ri, packed and left for her last semester of college. [Her college has a winter session so her semester starts later than most others.] It was sad to see her go because we have a lot of fun together, but at the same time it is nice to have one less person watching what I eat. My parents went out to the mall and I walked on the treadmill because I was feeling so weak and tired and couldn't make myself run. Afterwards I felt so sick. I actually went into the bathroom to purge, but I couldn't do it. It is not like I have this moral code against purging, it just that I am really bad about it and it really hurts me. I ended up not doing it.

So Bear came over and we were just hanging out when my parents came home. My mom was clearly upset and pulled me into another room. I am my mom's personal counselor/punching bag and she has a really hard time buying clothes so I wasn't surprise. She started crying hysterically like a psycho and telling me how she couldn't find anything that she likes because she is so fat (she is not that big for a mom) and all the clothes are for old ladies (she is 60). I tried to calm her down but she was off the deep end and it was pointless. Then she goes "I am just going to stop eating. That works doesn't it? I am going to be anorexic and so skinny that it doesn't even matter what I wear." I felt like I was slapped across the face. I couldn't believe she said that. After all I have been through over the years, it felt like she was just throwing it up in my face. Like it was something you can just choose to do or like it was some casual thing she to say. I felt like screaming at her. I wanted to say "You are a crazy bitch! You are the reason I am so fucked up! Maybe if you stopped crying to me all the time and had some self worth, I could try and find some for myself!" I didn't say anything of those things. I just walked out of the room and cried silently to Bear for a while.

Bear was really understanding that I didn't feel like going anywhere. We just hung out in my basement. I slept on him while he watched a movie. He gave me a neck massage and told me he would come and pick me up as early as I wanted on Sunday before he left. I don't deserve him.

I woke up this morning feeling bloated and constipated (sorry tmi), a great combination. I am up .2 pounds. And today is the superbowl party. What if I faked being sick?

Sorry for the depressing post. I am really low this morning.

Stay Strong and Skinny,

Nicole

xoxo

My mom didn't leave because of her craziness.

She stayed and punished us.

Sometimes I wish she left.

Does that make me a terrible person?