Saturday, February 12, 2011

i'm not drowning, there's no one here to save

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by
You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked
So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast
I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save
Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything
You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best
But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset
I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see
You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening
And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything
All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide
King of Anything, Sara Bareilles

SGD Day 11 Intake, 2/10/11:
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
orange- free!
apple- free!
1/2 diner sandwich- 400?
diner fries- 300?
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
Total: 720
Exercise: long work with the puppy- 200 cal
Goal for today: 500 - 20 over

SGD Day 12 Intake, 2/11/11:
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
orange- free!
small fries at mcdonalds- 230
homemade pasta fagioli- 150 cal
pizza- 300 cal
cake balls- 150 cal
chips- 100 cal
coffee with skim milk- 10 cal
Total: 950 cal
Exercise: run- 400 cal
Goal for today: 450 - 100 over goal

Whenever my mom wants to talk to me about something, and she doesn't want me to be able to walk away, she will bring it up while we are driving in the car. Thursday we were driving home from my grandmom's ear doctor appointment. My mom said she changed her mind and she didn't want Chick Fil A anymore, she wanted to go to a diner. I started panicking a little because I had already looked up calories and planned what I was going to have for dinner. Diners are so hard because you can never know for sure what you are eating. I don't know if I was obviously freaking out but my mom started in on me about my weight. As soon as she said "Don't get mad, but there is something I want to talk to you about," I knew I was in trouble. It started out calm, just her saying that she could tell I had lost some weight and that if things got bad she would have to "take action." Needless to say, it turned into a screaming match. I really tried to stay calm. I told her that I was just working out and eating healthy, but she wouldn't take that for an answer. I understand that she is just looking out for me or whatever, but the way that she goes about it she makes me feel like a little child. Because I never say what I think and keep it bottled up inside when I do let it out, it is really bad. So anyway, after our screaming fight full of threats and insults, I ordered a disgusting grilled chicken sandwich and fries and ate a lot of it, just to prove some stupid point. It was terrible.

[As I was writing this, my mom burst into my room, threw clothes from my bed to my floor and yelled about the state of my room like I am five years old. I need to move out!]

Friday I was with my mom most of the day and again ate a gross amount. I woke up this morning feeling like a huge cow and dreading my Valentine's dinner with Bear. Dreading dinner just makes me feel worse. Who dreads a nice dinner and night out with their amazing boyfriend? I mean, I must be really sick in the head to consider telling him I am sick so I don't have to eat tonight. I haven't eaten anything today besides an apple, coffee and ice tea to prepare and I plan on running late tonight after my mom goes to bed. I hate this.

Sorry for the downer post!
I promise tomorrow will be a better day.
Stay Strong and Skinny,

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