weekend fail: the good the bad and the ugly

Roll away your stone, I’ll roll away mine

Together we can see what we can find

Don’t leave me alone at this time,

For I am afraid of what I will discover inside

You told me that I would find a home,

Within the fragile substance of my soul

And I have filled this void with things unreal,

And all the while my character it steals

The darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?

And yet it dominates the things I seek

It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,

You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works

It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,

But the welcome I receive at the restart

The darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?

And yet it dominates the things I seek

Roll Away Your Stone, Mumford and Sons

The Good:

Being away with Bear was amazing. We had sooooo much fun! Saturday night we went out to dinner with B, my roommate from college. It was so nice to catch up since I don't get to see her that often. Saturday night it was just me and Bear alone. I won't get into the details, but it was amazing. ;) It has been so hard adjusting to both of us living at home. We used to be in school or living on our own and had whole weekends to ourselves. That is a thing of the past now, so being able to sleep in the same bed and wake up together was absolutely the best thing ever. Sunday was another wonderful day. We had fantastic morning sex (sorry if that is an over-share haha), went to church and then brunch. We took the metro into DC and walked around all day. We went to 3 museums and enjoyed the beautiful weather. I had never been to the Art Gallery in DC and it was awesome. We did so much walking that by the end of the day we were both exhausted. Then we grabbed some dinner on the way home and just relaxed for a while. After packing up some of Bear's things, we played cards and had a drink before bed. Monday Bear signed all the paperwork for the move in the morning. Bear's dad, brother-in-law, and 2 nephews who are in high school came down early and we moved out all the furniture. It took forever and was a lot of hard work, but it was a really good work out. We drove home from DC and moved some stuff into his house at home. All in all, it was a great weekend!

The Bad:

I ate so much. I was in so much pain all weekend. It was so uncomfortable eating. I did the best I could, but I was so paranoid being around Bear all day. He was always there; he knew everything I ate. There was no getting around it. I hated eating and feeling guilty and disgusting while we were having such a good time otherwise. The worst moment was laying in bed together Sunday night. Bear was holding me and we were getting to sleep. I was trying to add up the calories of everything I ate. I was beating myself up mentally and feeling so terrible and basically regretting even making the trip. All of a sudden Bear says to me, "I am so happy right now. I feel like we are finally back on track. You are happy and healthy and so am I. I am so glad we made it through. I feel like there are only good things for us in the future." I felt like the worlds biggest asshole. Bear is telling me how happy he is and I am thinking about how unhappy I am. It made me feel like such a liar. Last night I was disgusting. I was feeling so shitty about the weekend and so fat that I just completely binged. Pizza and cookies and pie. I went to bed so uncomfortably full and hating myself. It worries me that I am actually insane that I had such a fun weekend and such a horrible weekend all wrapped into one.

The Ugly:

Here is the gross intake! I didn't count any exercise. There was no way for me to accurately count all that walking or running up and down steps moving Bear's things out. Plus I did so much guessing on what I ate that I couldn't do it. I was up 3 pounds this morning. A brief taste of the 120s and I am back up to 132. I have to be super strict this week. I want to end the SGD on a high note.

SGD Day 20 Intake, 2/19/11:

coffee with skim milk- 10 cal

banana- free!

1/2 almond granola bar- 60 cal

chips and guacamole- 200 cal

piece of bread- 50 cal

less than half Cheesecake Factory Salad- 200 cal

some Cheesecake Factory carrot cake cheesecake- 500 cal

Total: 1020 cal

Exercise: being on my feet all day and walking a lot?

Goal for today: 650 - 370 over goal

Intake: 1020 cal

SGD Day 21 Intake, 2/20/11:

coffee with skim milk- 10 cal

Low Fat veggie omelet- 200 cal

bread- 200 cal

3 steamed mussels- 50 cal

a few bites of baccala- 100 cal

part of a Ray's Hell Burger- 600 cal

Mike's Hard Strawberry Lemonade- 200 cal

Total: 1360 cal

Exercise: an insane amount of walking in DC

Goal for today: 700 - 660 over goal

Intake: 1360 cal

SGD Day 22 Intake, 2/21/11:

coffee with skim milk- 10 cal

granola bar- 90 cal

orange- free!

piece of sbarro pizza- 450 cal

some turkey- 50 cal

some sweet potato- 50 cal

tiny piece of cranberry sauce- 50 cal

corn- free!

bluberry crumb pie- 200 cal

4 chocolate chip cookies- 200 cal

skim milk- 50 cal

coffee with skim milk- 10 cal

piece of pizza- 200 cal

Total: 1360

Exercise: moving Bear's stuff up and down stairs all day

Goal for today: 400 - 960 over goal

Intake: 1360

Some thinspo to try and end this post positively:

Stay Strong and Skinny,

Nicole

xoxo

P.S. Last night while I was feeling so gross, I caught up on some blogs I missed over the weekend. I really missed reading and writing. Some of the girls out there are so amazing and strong and brave. If any of you are reading this right now, know that you ladies are what gives me the strength to keep on. Sending lots of love out to everyone in this community today!